Echoes of a Broken Soul

 I’m hurting. I’m just a burden— useful for nothing. Everyone can see it. Placated, elated— but I can never be free. It’s frustrating, the words that never come. It’s heart-breaking. I’m a rubbish mum. But I love those girls with all of me— even with my failures. Surely the world can see that they... are my driving force. But hey— I still fail, of course.

Memories – Wash over me, coating my full body. Film reel spinning in my mind, Feeling the vibrancy entirely. Snapshots of photographs –  Flashing for my eyes to see, Blinding me –  Vignettes of days gone by. Noise – just noise – Cacophony of noise, Cymbals crashing – Orchestrating Voices in my ears. Joy. Hurt. Wonderment. Happiness. Pain. Fear. Clawing, embracing, gripping. Enveloping my completeness. Fragrant perfume –  Aroma of nostalgia, Lavender, Jasmine, Sweet-Pea. Lilac, Freesia, Peony. Bouquet together – Tickling my nose. Gentlest touch – Of hands once held. Caresses – Whispering across my skin. Surrounded –  Enwrapped. Encompassed –  Cocooned. My senses awaken –  All at once.

Memories Come flooding back to me— Movies in my mind, Photographs for my eyes to see. Noise—just noise— Voices, music, shouting in my ears. There’s joy. There’s hurt. Happiness, trauma. Pain and fear. A fragrant perfume Tickles my nose. The gentlest touch Of hands once held Whispers across my skin. My senses awaken— All at once.

I’m in the position, To make it my mission –  To sail my past down the river. I need to let go, be free, And I know –  I won’t let this eat me forever. So, I’ll write out a plan, I know that I can –  Know what freedom feels like. It’ll take lots of work, Damn will it hurt –  But victory’s calling My name. We’ll run through the field, Our sword and our shield –  Keeping the demons at bay. Soon it will pass, I’ll be a happy lass –  Living my life as I should. So, pack up a bag, No time to lag – An epic battle awaits. Take my hand, It’ll be so grand –  With you, stood by my side. Life will be right, I’ll sleep at night –  Horrors kept at bay. You’ll see me smile, You’ve been waiting a while –  For this momentous day. Finally, I’ll rest, The best of the best –  Wife and mother, I am. The battle won,  I’ll embrace the sun –  Feeling its luminous glow.

Forever isn’t such a long time, When it comes to you. Forever is how long I’ll spend in love, I know that much is true. The physical ache when we’re apart , Is visceral and cruel.

Hope floats above the Earth, with Sam and seven other twinkling stars. Tiny babies dancing -  Playing around, prancing, On magical pink and yellow fluffy clouds . A moment in my womb; forever in my everything. My stars glimmer like glittering snow - So bright and pure. My heart clenched  in the fists of my babies, not meant for this world; And in the laughter of 2 rainbow miracles , who fill my life with the most astounding, beautiful colour and light. My babies mean everything to me.

Wherever you go in life, I’ll be your shadow on a gloomy day. Telescopic lens, we’ll photograph the moon, Hoping crashing meteors fall our way. When your schizoaffective brain tricks you, Borrow my eyes, ears, and nose. Let insanity consume us together - I Promise, I won’t make you sniff my toes. Feeling anything but perfect? With me you can shed tears. We’ll be dafties together, Shattering any fears. And I love you, With every particle I am. Want you and need you -  That’s the master plan. Whatever you happen to do, I’m always by your side. Stuck to you like gorilla glue, I’ll find you when you hide. And I’m not going anywhere -  No getting rid of me. We promised forever and always, Even if you beg, scream, or plea. Our battle scars show us: We can make it through this life. No matter what’s thrown at us -  As Husband and Wife. I’ll be your cheerleader, Badly sing your favourite song. As long as we’re together, We can survive what goes wrong. Because I love you -  M...

Wherever you go; I will follow you. Fly to the moon ; Hand me my space suit . However you feel; I will try to lend an ear. Not just once, But year after year. And I love you; With everything I am. You know I need you; That’s the master plan. Whatever you do; I’m always by your side; Loving you; Like the moon shifts the tide . And I’ll be there; Right beside you. Forever and always; Like I promised I would do. So don’t be afraid; We can make it through this life. Take on any battle; As Husband and Wife. And I’ll be there; Cheering you along. Always keeping, On singing our song. Because I love you; More than words can say. Together we’ll fight; Every single day. There’s no love like ours; That is surely true. Coz you are my one; And I’m in love with you.

  Insomnia eats away at me; Trapped in a wilderness of my own making. Food makes me sick;  Stomach curdles like cottage cheese . Scattered thought -  Where, or how, or why? When sleep fleetingly rears its elusive head,  There are no dreams – only blank darkness. An elephant stomps on my chest ; Making each gasping breath a trial. Jumbled squiggles, Have now become my life. Upside down.  Back to front. Inside out. Dizzy from the tornado ;  Ripping through my brain. Sanity ebbs slowly ; Leaking from my eyes. The dirt is calling me , But - death would be too simple. Fragmented, piece by piece – I break.

 Adrift in an ocean of darkness,  deadly creatures circling. No life raft from you –  you just sailed away.   Erroneous, snide, mordacious –  I failed to stand my ground. Retreated, defeated;  conflict averted. Though I knew I should have asserted – My voice strong and clear.   Needing devotion – your wheels were in motion, Selfishly absconding – Everywhere.   Disparaged. Deprecated. Salty tears I wept -  Abandoned, clueless,  in the questions crept.   I needed you. I wanted you. I loved you.   Bruised and wounded, my heart – But still – I didn’t despise you.   So many issues,  mirroring you. Too extraneous, trivial and paltry for your ears.   Chance after chance, left me disenchanted , You broke my trust. Took me for granted.    So, I had to retreat, and leave it all behind. Everything – I tried so hard,  my whole life to find.   I longed for you to cherish me, simply give a damn. Hoping ju...

 Bright and beautiful, Bold and strong— Sunlight’s blinding glow, Keeping me warm. Juicy and delicious, A refreshing taste. Autumn leaves, Slowing the haste. Yams and salmon, On a gentle simmer. Firelight and sunstone— Nature's glimmer. Pumpkin soup, Carrots cut up— homely and warm, filling my cup. Bird of paradise, tiger lily, Aloe in bloom— Fragrant and botanical, lighting the room. Marigolds blooming In a sunlit pot— Velvety, golden, Fleshy apricot. Kumquat, persimmon, Tangerine— painting the world in a radiant scene. Monarch butterflies Flutter their wings— In this glorious colour, My heart sings.

 Feet dipped in the river, flowing like my tears.  Surrounded by fields of daffodils, I whisper all my fears.  Down by the bridge— comforting solitude.  Trees of Denlethen woods chatter in the breeze.  Eagles squawk overhead, owls hoot their song.  Squirrels scamper, bunnies hop, deer frolic along.  I loved my space, my solitude— now overtaken,  by houses and electric fences. Not such a nice look.  It’s been a while, I must confess, since I went there—  to dip my toes in the flowing stream, shake cobwebs from my hair.  But in my heart, it will always stay, a place so profound—  to mend my aching soul, and fill me with hope unbound.  I wish some things would stay the same, though seasons have to change.  But now the bridge of solitude is busied— and strange.

 Closing my eyes to all that's gone before. Haunted. Picking my broken body off the floor. Haunted. Dusting myself down yet again. Haunted. In a world where everyone just pretends. Haunted. This face for me, this face for you. Haunted. The animals have all escaped the zoo. Haunted. Where talk is cheap and actions prove. Haunted. There's no winning and everything to lose. Haunted.

 Your beautiful face,  delicate features, carved in lace—  your laughter, a melody to my soul,  dancing to Pink, you make me whole.  Tiny toes, little jelly worms,  sleeping angel, you wiggle and squirm—  your breath’s rise and fall,  calms my aching head.  Eyes grey-blue, ocean’s depth,  mischief and commotion kept—  painted on your face, a spark in every space.  Perfect cherry lips,  Cupid’s bow pierces my heart—  your smile’s blinding light,  beacon in my darkest night.  Perfection wrapped in you,  grey and pink hue—  bunnies hopping in the field,  my love, your shield.  My love leaves me awestruck,  breathless, with protective love—  pink and grey, your vibrant spark,  lights my world through the past’s dark.

 Lightning strikes my soul. Thunderclaps deafen thought. Rainclouds gather, pouring from my eyes.  Hurricane winds. A tornado. Swirling chaos shrouds my mind.  Lost in the storm, I reach for my compass— gripping, grappling, drowning, clutching for dear life.  Clatter. Bash. Wallop. Blows that keep on coming, shoving me further from dry land.  Through ebbing clouds, a glimmer— a peeking, seeking shimmer of golden sunlight over Saltcoats waves.  It paints rainbows on the sea, and they reflect within me— purple, orange, pink, yellow, blue.  I swim a little longer, striving to be stronger, keeping my head above the water, every day.  Laurencekirk dawns new hope. No time to sit and mope. Mark. Jess. Sarah— they lift me from the dark abyss.  The storm will pass—ungrounded. My fears: unfounded. And I will rise again, a dolphin, leaping free. 

 Eyes raw, scarlet orbs; Desiccated by night. Burning, itching, stinging; Like an acid attack.   My head is spinning; Swirling in, out, up, down; Thump, thump, thump; A piercing pain burrows my brain.   Swimming in Nausea; Clawing, ripping, pulling; In my gut.   Body twisted in pain; Searing, aching, stabbing; Tsunami, washing over me.   Sleep is futile; Tossing, turning, itching; Memories haunt my broken dreams.   Frustrated, deflated, stressed; “I fucking hate this” Whispered beneath my breath; Reverberated within the void.   Sorrow, feels hollow; I’ll face tomorrow’s dawn, perhaps rising like the sun.   Reborn, victorious; The battle bravely won.

 The only one who knows me, Stripped bare: our soul laid raw, for only each other to see.   My best friend, worst enemy; Everything in between.   In your eyes I see the despair, trauma,  Hurt, pain, betrayal, loneliness, and solitude.   I feel it with you in the depth of my being, Haunting me, carving scars on you.   I also see the love, hope, Strength, laughter, ambition, uniqueness, and bravery.   And revel in wonderment at our tenacity; Courage and perseverance shining through.   Your strength and resilience astound me, Mould me, reminding me who I am.    It’s them that’s saved my life.   We have despised each other, taunted each other, Made each other cry.   But loved each other, encouraged each other, So we didn’t die.   One in the same, my other half, Burn me down, yet, make me laugh.   Your sorrow pierces my core, a dagger to my heart.   Each moment lived together, from the very start.   My twin in th...

 Deeply hurting and lonely Even Though People are there for you Running through Everything in your mind Sadness getting the better of you Screaming in your head Imagining a life Of true happiness, then thinking Never going to happen

How could you leave me, When you knew what he could do? How could you just walk away, Was I not good enough for you? What kind of person leaves their child in danger? What kind of mother does that? The excuses don’t wash - Because you knew. You could have prevented this - Because you knew. You could have saved my life - Because you knew. But you didn’t!

 When the twilight blankets the earth, and solitude surrounds; Search the twinkling heavens, an angel may be found.   Disoriented in the wild, your compass gone ape; Focus, observe, trust; there are places to escape.   Acknowledge within you, your heart’s strength, which can help you overcome.  But I know that your heart is breaking, I know that your mind is aching; Tortured and fractured from all that’s come before.   And you will light upon, a brighter day, and your strength will persevere.  Because the love that is inside you, and passion’s intensity can blind you. Kintsugi, upon your fractured soul.   No matter what occurs, remain undeterred, standing tall.  Be strong! Tighten your grip, impede the fall.  As you are my beacon of light, lighthouse in the storm; The light ablaze within me, the fire that keeps me warm.   Distance unmeaning, you are a permanent fixture. In both my mind and heart combined.   So, look for that shining...

 When the sky is turning black, and there’s no-one there around Look up to the stars and an angel may be found If you’re lost in the wilderness and you don’t know where to turn Just look a little harder there are places you can run And you always know that inside you there’s a heart that’s strong that can help you through. But I know that your heart is breaking and I know that your mind is aching And you will find a better day, and you will keep being strong Because the love that is inside you, and a love so strong can blind you And no matter what is going on, keep your head high, please be strong Because you are my shining star, doesn’t matter how far you are Because near or far there you are, in my mind and in my heart So look for that shining star and when you see it your angel’s never far And she’s full of love for you and her nose is blue And her wings are gold, she’s got a story to be told. If you ask she’ll be strong, she’ll help you along She may not lead the way, but with ...

 Illuminate my dreams, analyse and study them. Terror fills my eyes at night, petrifying me. The dawn bleeds in like a razors edge –  Sharp. Cutting. Brutal. Existence haunted by your sight – Seared. Burnt. Brandished, Upon my shattered mind. Release me! Let me be free – from all the turmoil enveloping me. Ever feeling like that little girl – Horrified. Hypothermic. Desolate. Eyes burning with the stabbing of a thousand needles, Desperately seeking contentment from my racing mind. My flesh crawls like maggots on a corpse –  Intruding. Remembering. Sickening. Pleading for sleep, empty my brain – Just for once, needing refrain. Yearning sleep, I call for rest, you put your hands upon my breast! Deplorable, egregious, reprehensible beast - Words for you: the very least. No-one should ever know so young; Fragile life, just begun – Horrors which force you to grow up fast, Dealing with things that may make each day their last. Life-long struggle to escape the past. For some tim...

  Shine a bright light on my dreams, tell me what you think they mean. So scared to close my eyes at night, so scared to face the coming day My life is haunted by your sight, get out my mind, please go away I still feel like a little girl, so scared, so cold, so all alone. My eyes are tired, but my head wont rest My flesh crawls at the very thought, Please let me sleep, get out my head I want to sleep, I need a rest, but you put your hands upon my breast Never should I have known so young, when my life had just begun That some people have to grow up fast, And deal with things that may make each day their last I want to kill myself sometimes because you won’t get out my mind But then I’m just as bad as you, I don’t want to hurt them I’m close to Each night I pray that when I wake, you’ll have died a painful death So until your body is in the ground, I’ll never rest and my mind will ache Please god, someone kill him and give me a break

 Heart overflows with desolation, Imprisoned, my thoughts are iron bars. Striving with the might of a thousand lions,  Nevertheless, moribund. Tainted and Tortured from an existence lamented, Retaining unwanted, Torn and fragmented. Depression’s jagged claws strangling my soul, Dragging me under, hellfire searing my lungs. Prithee, escape an exigency Succour me, Assist I plea. Abstaining from departing  life,  but what choice do I have? When it's too hard to live because of my past.

My heart filled with the emptiness of my being, My head full of thoughts I can't escape, I try so hard, but Still I'm Dying Inside Tainted and Tortured from a life that's now gone But I can't let go, Can barely go on Depression has a tight grip on my soul It's dragging me under, I cannot breath Please I need to escape Help me, Help me please I don't want to die but what choice do I have When it's to hard to live because of my past

The sky a midnight abyss, lunar ivory glow –  non-existent, My voice trapped in my throat, Silent screams reverberating in solitary ebony. Trapped in a demon strewn hell, No-where to run, no-one to tell. Terrified of the consequences - Too young to even contemplate them. Fighting to keep my fractured mind from breaking, Body  weak, my soul is aching. Disgusted at myself for being bad, Always wanting to tell my Dad. So young, so scared, so lonely.

 The sky is so dark, the moon is not out I try to scream, I try to shout I can’t escape from this hell No-where to run, no-one to tell So scared of the consequences Too young to even know what they are. Trying to keep my mind from breaking My body’s weak, my soul is aching. Disgusted at myself for being bad Always wanting to tell my dad So young, so scared, so lonely.

 Put on your face Go paint the town Don’t worry about Your kids at home. Just have a great time, Have the time of your life Doesn’t matter that You’re a wife Have the life of your dreams Party all night Don’t care about Your responsibilities. Coz you’re a party girl; you wouldn’t change the world. I think it’s time to realise Deserting your kids doesn’t win a prize And you wonder what you have done To make these children hate their mum But you never listen to their words You don’t care they’re full of pain and hurt You just want to be Young and wild and free Maybe you should grow up PARTY GIRL

It’s not easy to be, the person that they see. It’s not easy to lie, when the tears are in your eyes. It’s not easy to live, when you’ve nothing left to give. It’s not easy to pray, when you look to yesterday. It’s not easy to smile, when you’ve been hurting a while. It’s not easy to decide, whatever’s wrong or right. It’s not easy to rest, when you don’t feel your best. It’s not easy to dream, when you wake up with a scream. It’s not easy to tell a truth I know so well. I will never be the person that they see.

I’m all alone, the night’s gone cold, People pass me young and old. They don’t notice me, they just walk by, None of them see the silent tears I cry. No-one bothers to show the way, Or even ask if I'm OK. My body numbs, maybe I’ll die, Drown in the pools of tears I cry.

 Just a child Trying to understand an adult's world That’s placed upon my hands Trying to live Trying to stay alive but it’s hurting me There’s no place I can be Safe from you

 There’s shattered glass upon the wall A broken girl, she starts to fall Deep flesh wounds, blood so red A mind filled with fear, heart’s full of dread She takes a look at what she’s done Her escape when she can’t run Her broken body on the floor She makes her way for the door Up the stairs and in to bed She tries to rest her weary head But her pillow’s soaked with tears And her mind is full of fears She cannot scream, she cannot yell There’s not one person she can tell

 My tortured soul Haunts my sleep, So I torture my body Make blood seep Old for new Pain for pain Cutting is easier It helps me deal with all this Fucked up shit I feel

 Looking at the mirror It’s not me I see It’s just a tortured girl Staring back at me I try to make her happy, but she finds it too tough Try to make her forget of a childhood just to rough. She curls in a ball and cries herself to sleep Faces haunt her dreams and silently she weeps Taking time to think Trying to understand This girl is me and she needs a helping hand

 Walking down this road I’m on my own How can you make me feel so alone Why cant you just be proud of me I know I’m not all I could be But I am ill just open your eyes Take a look and start to realise I cant go on living a lie I am depressed and yes I cry Why do you keep that locked away Why are you scared of what people will say What kind of people would they be If they couldn’t love me for being me.

 I feel so broken, I can't breathe. Crushed, and twisted, my mind aches. Shattered, exhausted, lack of sleep. Raw tears I cry, I want to die.  Escape from tumultuous pain, Reliving the horror repeatedly. Like movies in my mind, dragging me back; To a life left behind.  I was only a baby, so innocent and pure; From 4 years old, I was forced to endure; A trauma so profound, I can’t articulate; The pain, distress, fear, and hate.  A stolen decade, a life-long battle. I struggled to cope, sometimes still do. Fighting each day, this much is true. For my sanity, hope, reason to be, Digging deep down inside of me.  It’s too hard to survive, yet, here I still stand. Cracks in my armour, sword in my hand. Compelled to live, I want to hang on to life. Hushing, soothing, nurturing the voice when it screams; “But I don't want to be alive”

 I feel so broken I can't breathe My mind aches Lack of sleep Raw tears I cry I want to die Escape from my pain Going back there again I was only a baby I was only four He stole ten years I cant cope any more Its too hard to survive I want to hang on to life But don't want to be alive

 The World turns me, Guides me to who I am. Lost in my mindful of confusion, Trying, Fighting, Gasping, Trying to get out. Suffocating, From the thoughts in my mind.

 Painting memories in my mind. An inner peace I cannot find. A heavy heart, Which makes it through, Every day, Missing you. I wish you were here with me, To take my pain away. I love you and miss you, And think of you each day. I cannot let go of you, Don't think I ever will. I will cherish you in my heart, always, Until that heart is still.

I want to know who I am, I always wonder. But who do I ask, who even knows me? When to myself, a mystery I am.  A shadow, a noise from inside; Willing me to be, to do, to create. The creation of every step I take; Each choice I make confounds me, preventing me from knowing; Who I really am.  The Pretender! Or is it really me?  My thoughts like to puzzle me, masking my eyes to blind me, making it hard to see. Impossible to know which is true. The person that I am, Am I to you?  No silence, no rest; A buzz swarming in my brain, an anchor sinks my chest. So strange; cold and numb. But pain it often comes; To break me; wear me down and strangle; All of the life of the person I try to be, to force out the real me, making it hard to breathe.  The one I hide from, I escape from; I fear and run from. Which pretender reigns true? Is it who I am to me? Or who I am to you?

I want to know who I am, I always wonder, but who do I ask, who even knows me? When to myself a mystery I am. A Shadow, A noise from inside, Willing me to be, to do, to create, The creation of every step I take. Every choice I make in a life, Which confuses me, Doesn't allow me, To know who I really am. The pretender! Or is it really me? My thoughts like to puzzle me, Make it hard to see, hard to know which is true. The person I am, am I to you? No silence, No rest, A buzzing in my head, and heaviness in my chest, So Strange, cold and numb. But pain it often comes, To break me, wear me down and strangle, All of the life of the person I try to be. To force out the real me. The one I hide from, I escape from, I fear and run from. Which pretender is really true? Is it who I am to me, or who I am to you?

Raging, bubbling, powerful, bright; Raw and hot, filled with light. Crackle, snap, pop, bang, boom; Ferocious, fierce, it fills the room. Beautiful and fragile, yet powerful and strong; All-consuming, hear its song. Watch it as it burns away, consuming yet another day.   Transfixed by the beautiful sight, in its flames I see my life; I see my power but can’t be free from all the rage inside of me. I watch it grow more and more, its gentle whisper becoming a roar; A roar that scares me but helps me see; all the pain inside of me. I cower; afraid, that this fire will be forever eternal, consuming me.   I step back and watch as the flames die down; the roar quietened; the fire goes out. The embers still burn with a beautiful glow; amongst the ashes of what came before.   A spark, a flame, a crackle here and there; More hurt and pain, added despair.   The embers are stoked and again comes to life, The raging inferno I’m keeping inside.

Always in your darkness, hidden by your shadow, Grappling, scratching, clawing, climbing,  like a dandelion growing through the concrete;   To be myself, not relentlessly compared to you. To emerge and metamorphose from the caterpillar trapped by your iniquity, into the wild and beautiful butterfly I know myself to be.   And be better, soar higher, beat the insurmountable expectations  of how you are superior. More educated, wiser, articulate, your words defter. So, you like to crush my spirit,  keep me flattened, suppressed, fragmented; To never be as intelligent as you, as good as you.   But I am pure and innocent,  from the dirt I will emerge, soaring,  my wings ablaze with light.  

Always in your darkness, always in your shadow. Grappling, scratching, clawing, climbing like a dandelion growing through the concrete, To be myself, not relentlessly compared to you. To emerge and metamorphoses from the caterpillar trapped by your darkness to the wild and beautiful butterfly I am. And be better, soar higher, beat the impossible expectations of how you are better, More educated, more wise, cleverer with your words. So you like to keep me flattened, to never be as intelligent as you, as good as you. But I am pure and innocent.

 You didn't seem to notice, when I dyed my hair, got new clothes to wear, the effort that I made, my spirit starts to fade.  You didn't seem to notice, the words that went unsaid, books I bought, but never read; I was falling apart, I had a broken heart.  You didn't seem to notice, when I stopped going out, whispered words turned to a shout, 2am tears, my life again plagued with fears.  You didn't seem to notice, the photographs I took, the sadness in my look, the beauty in my art, when I fell apart.  You didn't seem to notice, the unravelling of the thread, demons in my head, when I got really ill, I took another pill.  You didn't seem to notice, the calls I never made, words that I said, I tried and tried again, my hurt and pain.  You didn't seem to notice, when I turned the other cheek, when I didn't speak, as I lay in my bed, I wanted to be dead.  You didn't seem to notice, me rejecting the call, rising above it all, that I'd never walk away,...

 You didn't seem to notice, when I dyed my hair. You didn't seem to notice, when I got new clothes to wear. You didn't seem to notice, the effort that I made. You didn't seem to notice, my spirit starts to fade.  You didn't seem to notice, the words that went unsaid. You didn't seem to notice, the books I bought, but never read. You didn't seem to notice, I was falling apart. You didn't seem to notice, I had a broken heart.  You didn't seem to notice, when I stopped going out. You didn't seem to notice, whispered words turned to a shout. You didn't seem to notice, the 2am tears. You didn't seem to notice, my life again plagued with fears.  You didn't seem to notice, the photographs I took. You didn't seem to notice, the Sadness in my look. You didn't seem to notice, the beauty in my art. You didn't seem to notice, when I fell apart.  You didn't seem to notice, the unravelling of the thread. You didn't seem to notic...

When words get in my way; When I stumble and then fall. When I leave my heart so wounded; Bang my head against the wall.  Never give up on a hope and a dream, never give up on what's "not all it may seem", Never give up without fuss or a fight, never give up 'til there's nothing but light.  The tears that fall, they won't be forever.

I can't sleep; I'm lost inside me. I can't eat; can't think or dream or breathe. I'm all messed up. My thoughts, they spin me around;  They fuck me up; They'll put me in the ground.

 Longing to escape, Deep aching inside. Constant haunting, relentless in my head, Insanity consumes - Existential dread. Everything you did; that now you cannot do; Fill my whole being – Terror. Agony. When darkness fills the room. Knowledge you can’t get to me, never offers hope. You’re in my psyche, never abiding – Tugging on the rope. I long to rise, face the conscious world But, I’m paralysed, trapped by fear –  Again, a little girl. Screaming out into the silence, No-one hears my silent prayers - Please, someone help me. And there you are; laughing at me. Manically cackling - Torturing, hounding, belittling me. STOP IT! You cannot hurt me – NO MORE! I refuse to let you steal any more of me. Yearning to be at liberty from your dark, sadistic hold – To live my life, not just survive. But... There you are stalking my thoughts, Causing havoc in my head. Every solitary time – especially when I go to bed. Stop dementing me; I'm fighting to be strong. This nightmare - I can’t ta...

I want to be free; From all the pain inside of me. Every day you haunt me, turn around in my head. I think I'm going crazy; When I'm lying in my bed. All the things you've done; that now you cannot do; Fill my heart with fear and pain; When darkness fills the room. I know you can't get me, but you are in my head. Maybe I should get out of bed. But I can't move; I can't wake up. I call and no one comes. Please, Someone help me. And there you are; laughing at me; Torturing me; Hurting me. Stop it! You can't hurt me; No more. I want to be free from you and do all the things I want to do. But... There you are in my head. Every time; especially when I go to bed. Please stop hurting me; I'm not that strong. I can’t take this; it's going on too long. I pray to God, please let me wake, but maybe that'll be a mistake; 'Cause again, there you are in my head.

When I was lost, you couldn't be found. When you were wrong, I never stood my ground. I walked away to save a fight, Although, I knew that wasn't right. When I needed love, you were never there. Too wrapped up in yourself to even care.  You put me down; you made me cry. You left me but never told me why. I needed you; I wanted you; I loved you! And all you did was hurt me; now I hate you.  I have problems, just like you. But they're not important enough to listen to. I gave you more chances and you let me down. You broke my trust, treated me like a clown.  So, I had to walk away and leave it all behind. All I tried so hard my full life to find. I thought you loved me; I thought you cared.  I thought maybe for once you'd put me first.  But after all, ... Why? I was nothing to you! I was JUST your daughter.

  For years, I have been writing poetry, probably most of my life but certainly since I was a teen. Throughout the years, I have written a lot of poems, some lost to the world, some just lost for now. I have a book that I got at the start of mine and my husbands relationship, so for 24 years, I cant find it at the moment but a lot of the poems I share are from it, which I had previously uploaded to my allpoetry.com page. https://share.google/wcxDzbuPIumgVb2yj I take long breaks in between writing but always go back to it, recently I have been called back to it and have went back to writing, I have been going back and reworking some of my old poetry as well as writing brand new pieces. All of which I will share here. Not posted in any particular order. I suffer from CPTSD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Fibromyalgia, Hypermobility syndrome, Chronic pain (Just to name a few) I have experienced a lot of severe trauma in my time and life has never been easy. Hopefully, through writing I...